The Relational Thing

      Shortly after moving here, someone gave me a word of advice that quickly became a guiding slogan for how I would live and work in this warm South Asian culture over the next 2 years.  The advice was this, "Whenever in doubt, do the relational thing."  What this seasoned veteran meant by saying this was that I was undoubtedly going to find myself in numerous situations where I was not sure about the right course of action, but that in those situations I should pick the option which most values the person I am with at the time.  When I refer to South Asia as a warm culture, I am not referring to the heat index.  Although I believe I have already sufficiently established the fact that it is hotter than blazes here.  What I mean by warm culture is that more value is placed on relationships than on performance of tasks or achievement of goals.  The emphasis on relationships is one reason why time and appointments are not rigidly followed in warm cultures.  If the most important thing in any given interaction or exchange is not the achievement of a certain task but the cultivation of a relationship, then it does not matter how long the task takes.  This principle applies to everything from exercising in the park with a friend to taking trips to going to the grocery store.  The trip really is about being in the car or on the bus together and not so much about getting to the destination.  Whereas someone from a cold culture, one that is more task focused, places value on getting to the destination as quickly and efficiently as possible. 
     Armed with that insight into South Asian culture, let me share how the motto Do the Relational Thing saved me yesterday when I was once again dazed and confused by a cultural situation.  So early on in my term a different wise person told me that I had better make nice with my postman if I wanted my packages and letters to arrive in as nice and untampered condition as possible.   Keeping in mind the sheer volume of mail I have received, the job of keeping the postman happy has been a little more involved than I thought.  As I have lived in three different parts of town, I had to win over three different mailmen.  But with charm and by greasing the wheels with some imported American candy, I managed to win each of them over.  Yesterday mailman #2 called me to let me know that two letters had arrived for me at my old address, and I promised to come by later to pick up the letters. 
    I arrive at the post office several hours later viewing this interaction 100% from a task-oriented perspective.  I am at the post office to pick up 2 letters.  That's it.  Wrong.  The mailman has only seen me 2 or 3 times since I moved out of his route, and he wants to catch up.  No problem.  I sit down thinking that we will just chat for a couple of minutes, and then I'll be on my way.  After answering all of his questions about what I have been doing lately, I politely and casually start making references to the letters that he had called me about.  Yes, he assures me, he has the letters.  But no, he will not give them to me just yet.  Okay.... This is when my cultural antennas go up.  I cannot tell you how many times in my head over the last 2 years I have thought to myself, "WHAT IS HAPPENING?!!!" And I thought it once more yesterday when my mailman was holding my letters hostage.   At this point he brings out a hotplate and says I cannot leave until I drink some chai with him.  Oh no, I say. That is not necessary.  But then he starts going on about how far I had to come to pick up the letters, and of course we must drink chai together.  It was only 5 minutes, I tell him, and again I try to tell him that chai isn't necessary.  But he continues to bend over his desk, slowly making the tea, totally oblivious to the fact that I'm in a hurry.  Then I pull out the sure-fire reason I can't stay.  I tell him I can't stay because I have a lot of work to do this afternoon, and I'm in a hurry.  Oh he says, drink the chai and then go.  What to do?  This is very uncomfortable situation for me as there are a ton of people, and by people I mean men, milling about the post office and staring at me.  There really isn't that much space for the chair they pulled up for me to sit in.  My roommate is waiting for me in the car, and I really do have other places I need to be.  Plus, I really just want my letters.  This is when Do the Relational Thing flashes across my mind, and immediately the right course of action is clear.  And so I stay and enjoy a glass of chai with my mailman, all the while thinking, only in South Asia.  I could have forced the issue of course.  I could have demanded my letters and left.  But that would have been culturally the wrong thing.  I would have insulted my postman and hurt the relationship.  For one thing the postman is older than me, and respecting elders is another big value in this culture.  Also he had not given me permission to leave, and as strange as that sounds to us from the Western world, in this culture one has to be given permission to leave a visit.  Although I really didn't see my trip to the post office as a visit, it was clear that he did, and so for the millionth time since I moved here, I erred on the side of valuing the relationship.  About twenty or thirty minutes later I emerged from the post office victorious, letters in hand, full of chai, and having preserved my relationship with the mailman. 
    Learning how to live in a different culture is a difficult thing, and making mistakes along the way is basically guaranteed.  I certainly made some doozies during my tenure here, but I am grateful for local friends who showed me grace, helped me learn what it means to be South Asian, and how to value people and relationships over activities and tasks.